Sin So Sweetly
by KuronoMizu
Summary: A lonely high school girl. The charming new teacher-in-training. Some kind of beautiful train wreck is on this term's schedule. AU KaiRuki. Chapter 11 is now finally up!
1. Saisho: Beginning

A/N: So after much deliberation, I've finally put up the first chapter of this alt-universe tale of Kaien and Rukia. It is told through the eyes of an insecure schoolgirl--Rukia--who doesn't really know any better. Or maybe she does, and is just not using her best judgment...maybe you can decide as you read further.  
(The trial-run version of this can be found in the form of a little one-shot vignette under my 'drabbles' story, "From Seireitei to Hueco Mundo". Although the setting isn't either of those... At any rate, it's the 3rd one within that file, please feel free to go check it out.)

Disclaimer: Kubo-sensei, would you consider giving me the ownership of Bleach for my birthday? Pleease? ..."No"? Oh. Ah well, it wasn't gonna work anyway. Sigh.

* * *

_**Prologue**_

It shouldn't have happened.

That's what I keep telling myself. Looking back on the whole thing now makes me feel like an idiot. An immature, impulsive _idiot_. Then again... I did know that things weren't quite right, that things could never have turned out too well. I at least knew that—even back then, back in the midst of it all.

But if so, if I really _had_ sensed that there was only a dead end lying in wait, and things still turned out this way... Then did that make me a masochist instead? Or maybe an even bigger idiot?

Either way... It just shouldn't have happened.

I shouldn't have _let _it happen. And it should not have happened, period.

But it did.

And my face still burns with shame.

* * *

_**Secret 1: Saisho.**_

He'd entered my world something like a haphazard diver, plunging with a _splash_ into the stagnant deep end my life had been... A little chaotically, with a lot of impact.

_{And in hindsight, the instant that happened was the instant we'd both started sinking. Sinking, flailing…and drowning.}_

My thoughts were scattered by the sudden sound of books and papers being slapped onto a desk. Startled, I looked up—and saw the desk happened to be the huge oak one up in front, the one our homeroom teacher used.

For the first second or two my brain didn't really register it; after all, Ukitake-sensei never made entrances like that. He'd always breeze on in, smiling jovially like there'd never been a better morning. Greeting the class like we _weren't_ about to be subjected to another day of, well, learning. You either loved or hated him for that. For most of us, it was both.

Good-natured? He was practically oozing it. In a gentle, understated way—which only changed when his thrill with candy was involved. He almost seemed to _slide_ into class, each and every time.

But wait... this wasn't even our sensei!

The guy had _crash-landed _in our class, jarring us out of our morning daze. And Whoever-He-Was, standing right in the same spot Ukitake would, began to speak.

"Yo, how's it going, class? Everyone's psyched to start to the day, right?" He paused, full of energy, half-jokingly waiting for a response.

With my class's enthusiasm around this time of day, it wasn't surprising that there was a long, dull, awkward silence.

"...'Kay then, I'll take that as a 'not really'..." Still sporting a vibrant little half-smile, he turned around, took a few steps to the board, and snatched up a piece of chalk. "From now on..." he began, marking swiftly on the board what looked like the start of some kanji, "...I will be with this class..."

He kept writing, making more strokes that were rushed and hard to read. Our class sat in silence, not wanting to think that something might've happened to our previous teacher—he'd never been in good health, and we all knew it. I gulped.

"...along with Ukitake-sensei..." At last, he underlined the characters on the board with a sweeping brisk stroke of finality. "As a student teacher."

I gave a small sigh of relief along with the rest of the class. School without our Ukitake would've been like...well...life without ice cream, or something. But there were other matters at hand—

The sensei-in-training tapped a knuckle against his writing on the board, which happened to spell his name: "I'm Shiba Kaien, everyone. Nice to meet you guys." And with that, he bent forward to bow. As soon as he'd snapped back up, he added "—Oh, and that's _Shiba-sensei _to you all, by the way. If—oh hey, you're here!"

We all turned to the room's back entrance to see none other than Ukitake-sensei shakily closing the sliding door behind him. "Hello there, Shiba-san! Oh, class—I'm awfully sorry; I should've told someone I'd be having a clinical appointment today." I groaned in unison with my classmates. Did he do this stuff just to mess with us?

"Anyway... oh, you've already introduced yourself, have you then? Man, Shiba-san's really on top of the game, isn't he, class?" Ukitake was nodding and smiling to us all as he strolled up front, like there was no way anyone could say no. Which was true.

A slight flush appeared on Kaien—no, _Shiba-sensei's _cheeks, I figured because of getting praised his first few minutes as a fledgling teacher. (But we were used to that sort of open warmth…Ukitake was Ukitake, after all.) That reaction was kind of endearing, actually. A tiny grin started to tug at the corners of my mouth.

Now both teachers, older and younger, were standing together at the front. "...Also," Ukitake cut in, as if he'd forgotten something, "you can look forward to your art classes since Shiba-san, our wonderful art major here, will be aiding there too. Please treat him nice, 'kay?" He winked at our class, knowing we couldn't refuse him, and proceeded to launch into some teacher-to-teacher planning or pep talk with Shiba-sensei.

While everyone else shuffled around their stuff and got ready for our first class, I took the chance to get a better look at the guy who'd just taken center stage in our classroom life.

This Shiba Kaien was a pretty lively man…you could just feel it in the way something radiated from him. Even in the totally commonplace talk he was having right now, it was there. Maybe it was the way he held himself, maybe it was the slight smile and nod he kept giving, maybe he just wore his heart on his sleeve. Maybe it couldn't be explained.

After I'd been struck by this guy's strong verve, the first thing that caught my eye was the pitch-black hair standing up in jagged spikes around his head. I couldn't think of any teacher I'd ever seen with that kind of look... then again, he wasn't one of the old fogeys, so it didn't seem out-of-place on him. After the first couple minutes, I discovered he had a habit of running one hand's fingers through some hair—whether he did it from being nervous or idle, I had no clue.

Then I'd noticed his strong frame and features. His jawline, just as sturdy as the rest of him, made it seem like he always had some sort of curt retort ready to be fired off at whoever decided to mess with him—whether this was actually true or not, again I had no clue.

...And then the little details started leaping out... his pronounced lower eyelashes, the twinkle in the eyes those lashes framed, the funny bump in his nose, and then his soft-looking l—li—

—That's when I'd caught myself and wondered why the heck I was studying Shiba-sensei more closely than my books! What if it came off like I was staring? ...I _was _staring!

I wrenched my eyes away, looking down at my papers just as the bell sounded. Exhaling tensely, I tucked a lock of my short dark hair behind one ear and prayed that no one saw me. That would probably bring on more teasing that I just did _not_ need.

After this, I didn't really feel like dealing with the rest of the school day. Art was every third day; it could be something to look forward to tomorrow. Our actual teacher had been on maternity leave for a couple of weeks, and lately we'd had either bad substitutes or no class at all.

But Shiba-sensei seemed like he could actually make the class a captivating one—he himself was captivating, for sure... _No! I'm not thinking like that again!_ I smacked myself mentally.

Most of the class was trickling out to go to their lockers or chat, and I followed suit, not indulging in one last little glimpse back. After all, I was pretty lucky not to get caught watching the first time, wasn't I?

What I didn't know was that Shiba-sensei was the one tossing a glance over as I shuffled out of the classroom, bad posture and all. His look was one of both concern and intrigue.

That's what I didn't know... that I wasn't the only one watching.

* * *

A/N: For anyone curious, "saisho" means the beginning or start of something.  
Oh, and reviews make me happy; they are food for the soul. +points in direction of review button+ You know you want to...


	2. Kuukyo: Void

A/N: Sorry for the wait, but no one I asked to beta it was doing so, and so I just went and self-edited it...hope it turns out ok!  
This ended up being a largely introspective and Rukia-centric chapter, but it's really quite essential to the character building and to set the scene and the mood.  
But don't worry all you Kaien-fanatics out there, he will be back in full force in the chapter after! XD

* * *

_**Secret 2: Kuukyo.**_

The rest of the school day drifted by—the teachers droning on, me absently copying down notes, the bell alerting us with its little melody that was way too cheerful for school—and when it was finally over, I felt like I'd just woken up from a dream. A bad one.

I didn't ride home in a limo, even though that was always an option. I preferred the walk back; it gave me a bit of brisk exercise and didn't make me feel so...snotty. Plus it left me a little room to just think, to breathe.

But for some reason, nothing filled my mind as I walked the half-mile home today. Maybe the miasma of thoughts and feelings swirling around in there made it impossible for my brain to focus on any one of them at a time. Processing it all would've taken lots of emotional effort...effort that I just didn't have the energy for right now.

I rounded the corner and was greeted by a large oval driveway where two limos were parked. Behind it, a neatly-groomed lawn sprawled in front of the grand mansion that just so happened to be my house. The garage that held cars other than the limos was close to the size of most people's entire homes...but then, "normal" was something for which I didn't qualify. The house area itself was at least as big as a whole building of townhouses, maybe more. Endless windows stared back at me, and a few alcoves jutted out for emphasis.

Sighing, I headed up to the grand door that served as our main entrance. All I had to do was press a buzzer next to the door and mutter something like "I'm home," and our butler Nakamura would instantly notice and let me inside. I kicked off my black school shoes at the door and slipped into the white Chappy-style slippers I wore around the house—it always seemed like they were the least formal things within thirty feet. Bypassing the grand sweeping staircase in the main hall, I stopped by the walk-in pantry to get something to nibble and headed up the nearest side stairway to my bedroom.

Well, "bedroom" might not have been the best description. It was almost closer to a penthouse. In all honesty, it was so enormous that sometimes I even used to get lost in there as a kid. Which was actually pretty frightening—being lost in the one place you were able to call your own.

There was a lot filling that vast space: a boudoir, a huge gold-rimmed mirror, a giant stuffed Chappy sitting in the corner...even my own adjoining bathroom. A few books and articles of clothing were strewn around on the floor, but the servants would probably pick them up well before I went to bed.

A few clippings of pretty girls from magazines like _Non-no_ and _Pichilemon _and _Seventeen Japan_ were stuck in the rim of my mirror—girls who I aspired to be, girls who were my physical ideal. I knew I could probably never look like them no matter how much I dolled myself up (which I didn't do often) ...but hey, I could dream, couldn't I?

I pushed open the door with my foot and made a beeline for the four-poster bed. Then my conscience kicked in and directed me over toward the huge chair at my desk: yes, much as it hurt, homework did have to come first. I slung my schoolbag onto the floor, plopped into the chair, and prepared to fry my already weary brain. After all, holding up the family name was just that important...or that's what I'd been taught, at least.

As always, my mind started to wander near the end of my workpile—but today, it was straying to different topics. Shiba-sensei's face, for example, was one thing that kept popping up in my mind's eye, even in the middle of writing my equations. His voice haunted my English vocab words; his smile took over my Japanese History questions. I found myself wondering when it would stop, and why the heck he was there in the first place. We hadn't even had class with him yet, so why was he invading my studies?

Eventually I gave up when I noticed that I had started absently scribbling the kanji of his name in my notebook ("ocean" and "swallow" for his first name?...Interesting). That was just too far past the point of embarrassment. _At least I'm not putting hearts around it or something...wait, why would I even think that? I'm just _intrigued_…aren't I?_

At any rate, I figured I'd gotten enough done and anything else could be secretly finished up during classes tomorrow. That was how things worked for me—if I couldn't learn or focus at the moment, I'd just wait until later. Well, unless it was really, really important, in which case I would either force myself to start extra-early or end up with an extreme case of procrastination. (The second one happened more often than I would've hoped.)

Just as I had slammed my books shut and trudged over to flop onto my bed, there was a knock at the door. "Excuse me, Rukia-san," came a maid's voice, "but dinner is now ready for you if you wish."

"Yes, thank you, I'll be down in a minute," I answered automatically. Heaving a sigh, I rolled off the bed, out the door, and started down the stairs.

The lengthy dining table was laden with generous amounts of top-notch cuisine and was complete with a floral centerpiece. I took my usual spot at the right end of the table and started to help myself after murmuring the usual "_Itadakimasu._"

The table was set for two. If Nii-sama had been there, I think he would have been in the seat across from me. But tonight I was facing an empty seat for the fifth evening in a row, eating my fill of the international dishes our skilled cooks had provided. Somehow, though, I wasn't feeling all that full inside. My eighth bite of coq-au-vin was tasteless on my palate.

It was rare that Kuchiki Byakuya, my esteemed elder brother, was actually in this mansion. Because of the family's prestige and wealth, it was already set that he'd never have to work for a living, though he was only in his early thirties. Still, he would always be off making business arrangements with one of our companies or their partners, taking care of public relations, or "discussing private matters" with some of our extended family. Truth was, I was never positive of what he was away doing, but I was pretty sure it was usually one of the three. Or sometimes he might go out of the country for "various reasons", and I wouldn't see him for even longer.

As for our parents, they had died when I was barely old enough to remember. I mostly knew them from their pictures in the family shrine I prayed in front of each evening. And honestly, given Nii-sama's time here...at times, it almost felt like he was six feet under too.

There was nobody there to ask how my day at school had gone. No one asked what I'd learned, or if there was something important I needed to talk about.

This place was a house. Not a home.

So…where was the place I _did _feel at home?

I thought about that as I started trying to drift off to sleep that night. I was surrounded by satiny pillows and buried under miles of covers, but in the back of my mind I was always wondering what it must've been like for other kids—_normal _kids—who'd been tucked into bed each night by busy yet warm and loving mothers. Not that I was really at the age for that anymore, but even so...

I thought some more. And then I realized I didn't have an answer to the question. This was, after all, just the place where I lived, the place where I slept and ate. I had never thought of this as "home," and I'd never been given any other places I was supposed to think of as home.

That night I came to a terrifying notion: I was just a tiny sailboat drifting out in the huge, wild ocean, and there was no wind to push me...and nowhere to drop anchor.

And I prayed that I could somehow change that soon. Or at least, that someone else could.

* * *

_A/N: Stay tuned; next chapter we'll have some more Kaien goodness! This kinda ended up being a Rukia-emo chapter I guess, so bear with me!_

(In case anyone was wondering, the "Kuukyo" part means void or emptiness. Fitting title ne?)


	3. Toukoubi: School Day

Disclaimer: If I owned Bleach, it would probably suck hardcore. So I don't.

Note: _Washoku_ is Japanese-style cuisine; _seiyou-ryouri_ is Western-style cuisine.

_**Secret 3: Toukoubi.**_

I rolled over and glanced at the high-tech digital clock on my nightstand. It read 8:06. _Ahh, that's nice, _I thought sleepily. …_Wait a…8:06?! Holy—_

School officially started at 8:30. The walk between home and school usually took anywhere from twenty-five to thirty minutes. Yes, I was hereby royally screwed.

Without even thinking, I had tumbled out of bed and thrown on my clothes in less than three minutes. Running my fingers through my hair a couple times, I grabbed my schoolbag from around the bedpost and dashed downstairs.

The cooks always had an assortment of _washoku _and _seiyou-ryouri _ready at breakfast. I loved my morning miso soup, but no way was there time for that today. Instead I snatched up a muffin and a bottled green tea before hurtling toward the door. I deflected a maid's cry of "Oh, but Rukia-san, what about your breakfast?" with an "Already got it" and sprinted out into the sunlight.

Now my brain finally had a few moments to reprimand itself as I jogged along, muffin in mouth and bag bouncing beside me. Just how had I gotten up so late? Usually that only happened when I didn't get enough sleep—_Oh, _I realized. _I might've stayed up a little bit too late thinking…_

After touching on those scary philosophical matters, my thoughts had turned to none other than Shiba-sensei. Not that I had much to go by—only wondering what he'd be like, mainly. And he hadn't left after that; his face stayed and wouldn't let me just get some decent rest… Though I had fallen asleep after all (and look where _that_ got me).

My Grand Seiko watch read 8:28 A.M. on its tiny delicate hands as I burst through the school doors. That left me just enough time to bolt up the stairs and over to room 2-A right before the bell rang. Well, the little jingly tune that served as our bell. At least it was kind enough not to blare into our ears all the time.

Shiba-sensei was on the side of the classroom talking with Ukitake-sensei in low tones when I rushed in. The bell managed to chime at exactly the same time as I slid into my seat, causing a corner of his mouth to turn up jokingly—but not mockingly.

I flicked my gaze down at my desk hastily, then started awkwardly rummaging around in my bag—what was I going to pull out again? Oh yes, my pencils. I tried to still my thudding heart. As if it wasn't enough that I had just jogged the whole way to school… _Inhale. Exhale. _If looks could kill, well…I wasn't sure, but that little smile might've put me in need of a defibrillator.

While Ukitake-sensei went up to the front of the room and started reminding us about some upcoming school events (and about the history homework he'd given us yesterday), I started to hear some muffled sniggering around the room. I couldn't figure out why until Kiyone-chan turned to me and mouthed, "Bad hair day?" then pointed toward her own head of short blonde hair. I made a "Gah!" face, realizing I hadn't been able to finish brushing it, but by then the bell was already sounding the break between homeroom and first period.

I sighed and stood up to go do damage control in the girls' room, hairbrush in hand. But before I stepped through the classroom's sliding door, my ears pricked at some silent, stinging barbs from that one group of _kogals_ huddled on the right side of the room. As one or two snuck a glance in my direction, I could've sworn they giggled something like: "Well, guess Miss Moneybags doesn't _always _look so civilized, ne…?"

Idiots. That's what they all were, if they were making judgments based on wealth and status. Everywhere I went in life, these kinds of people were bound to be there. I'd been putting up with this stuff for a long time, but…I still wasn't fully used to it. Maybe I never would be.

--

Electives were during a random period every third day, so after our chemistry class, those of us who took art—instead of, say, orchestra or home ec—headed two halls over to the art room.

It was the same old classroom—small white sculptures on the back shelves, student-made color wheels on the walls, decorated tiles on the ceiling, high stools at large wooden tables all lined up, and the smell of acrylic paint everywhere—yet something felt different. At first I thought there was no one in there. Then I was proven wrong when Shiba-sensei suddenly came walking out from behind an easel in the back, wiping his hands on a small rag.

"Uh... 'afternoon, class," he grinned. "I hope you all remember me from when your dear Ukitake-sensei introduced me earlier?"

There was a shy, awkward silence.

"Hm... 'kay, I'll take that as a yes and move on." Switching to a stage whisper, he added, "Psst…it's Shiba-sensei, in case any of you have goldfish-level memories or attention spans." He smiled good-naturedly. "Well? What are you waiting for? Take your seats!"

He moved up to the front of the room as we all went to our tables. I sat in the middle with Sentarou-kun and Kiyone-chan as always.

"Now then"—he cracked his knuckles—"I'm not sure what exactly you've learned so far from your old teacher, seeing as I haven't really been able to talk with her. So…I'm gonna have you all just do a simple drawing…" he said as he started putting down huge sheets of paper on the tables in front of us, "…that you feel shows some of your skills and represents something about you as a person. Got it?"

The class sighed. We hated vague, open-ended exercises like this.

"Good! Now get started!"

--

I sighed and stared down at my paper. Shiba-sensei was coming around to see what we'd gotten done, and I had virtually nothing. Just a few of my standard doodles of Chappy and some of her other animal pals…like a teddy and a duck.

Man, was I hopeless.

"Nice use of perspective," I heard him saying to Kiyone beside me, "but you should try and vary that scenery a little bit—stuff other than just trees and hills."

"Thank you, Shiba-sensei, I'll do my best!" Kiyone looked up at him, grinning.

I glanced over at her paper. _What in the—? _It was no masterpiece or anything, but she'd managed to crank out a full-blown piece of art in, like, ten minutes. Was I the _only _failure in this class?

"Let's see whatcha—" Shiba-sensei stopped mid-thought when he got to mine, and that half-smile of his worked its way onto his face. This time it was mixed with exasperation, though. "—Kuchiki, right? …You're not taking this seriously, are you?"

"…that's all I can do," I replied, the words coming out in barely more than a whisper. I was too embarrassed to try and explain much further.

"Oh, _c'mon_, Kuchiki, you're just not trying," he said reassuringly. I was too flustered at this point to even notice that he wasn't calling me Kuchiki-_san_ as a teacher usually would. Though it made sense, considering he wasn't as stuffy and formal as the rest of them.

"I might need to start tutoring you a bit after class," he continued, "n' see if we can unlock some of that hidden potential, maybe?"

"But—"

"No buts. And for what it's worth, those drawings _are _kinda cute," he grinned. "…Just try not to box yourself into one style." With that, he moved on to Sentarou.

I sat there mulling over his words. _Sensei, don't you think you're being too optimistic? ..._ is what I _wanted_ to say, but it was too late; the notion already seemed set in his head.

Oh, well. It wasn't like I ever had anything to do after school, anyway. If he wanted to waste his time on me, then so be it.

* * *

A/N: This chapter's title, _Toukoubi_, meant "school day"--yes, I'm that creative. XD  
Sorry about the wait, I was in Japan. :D _--does happy dance--_ It might be a while before I can get chapter 4 up, but I'll try!

Oh, for anyone who has no clue about what a kogal is: en./wiki/Kogal Examples: aguoland.free.fr/blog/up/images/kogal001.jpg I actually saw a few when I was over there...looked kinda skanky.


	4. Jugyou: Lessons

A/N: Yes, I'm sorry it took almost four months, everyone…but at least it's here! For the next chapter I won't have as much senior year craziness standing in my way, so hopefully the wait will be shorter. But don't quote me on that.

* * *

_**Secret 4: Jugyou.**_

The next day, I headed apprehensively toward the art room—it was the first day Shiba-sensei had set up for us to work together. _Oh God oh God oh God... _I stood around outside the door for a moment, then moved to open it. But it was locked.

_Eh?_ I tried it again. No, it wasn't just stuck. Which begged the question: why was Shiba-sensei not showing up to the tutoring session he himself had set up?

I was lost in thought when someone patted my shoulder.

"Hey there!"

"_Aaaghh!_"

I whirled around and found myself face to face with Shiba-sensei. He was holding a Styrofoam cup of coffee, some of the contents of which were now on his white shirt. "Wow Kuchiki, you really jumped there..." He looked down at the mess, and I could see he wasn't trying to make a big deal out of it. But—!

"Oh no, Shiba-sensei, I am _so sorry_—I know, I'll go get you some napkins and..." I looked around and realized there wasn't actually anywhere nearby with napkins on hand.

"Don't sweat it; there's plenty of paper towels in here, remember?" he said casually as he unlocked the door.

"Oh. Yeah." Now I felt even dumber. I followed him meekly into the classroom and set my bag on a table. It was too quiet. I had to say something. "Er, sensei...where were you, anyway?"

"Hm? Oh, I went into the teacher's lounge for a bit," he replied as he tried to rub the brown stain off his shirt. "I'm really short on sleep, so I wanted to get my second cup of coffee for the day. Guess that didn't work out too well," he grinned at me.

I blushed. He didn't have to rub it in so much! "Ha, ha. Um, is being a teacher really that hard?"

"Well, y'see, the thing is..." He thought for a moment. "...yeah. Yeah, it is. Don't become one."

I giggled nervously. "All right."

"But hey, I didn't go to four years of grad school for nothing. I'm definitely becoming a full teacher after this."

"And I'll do my best to be a good pupil!" I blurted out. _Ugh, how stupid did that sound...?_

"That's good to hear. Now let's get started." Shiba-sensei took a stool next to me at the long wooden table. "Okay. Sketchbook?"

I held up my huge drawing pad. "Check."

"Pencils?"

I showed him my pack of sketching pencils. "Check."

"All right then. That's all we're gonna need for today." He opened my sketchbook to the first page for me. "Hmm...do you know the basics of perspective? Shape? Shadow? All that good stuff?"

"Kind of. A little. Not really."

"...Damn, what has that woman been teaching you guys?"

"Not much?"

"Looks like it." He sighed and shook his head, then picked up a pencil. "Well. Let's start with a one-point perspective, and then we'll move on to two-point, and maybe then some shading. Sound good?"

_With a...with a _what? "Yes," I answered shyly.

He drew a horizontal line across the paper, then put a dot on it. "So, this is the vanishing point, and..."

--

I looked at my watch. "Um, sensei, it's been over an hour..."

"Huh? Do you need to be somewhere?"

I didn't really want to be anywhere but here. "I should probably get home soon or—wait...Nii-sama's not there again, and..."

"'Nii-sama,' huh?" Shiba-sensei chuckled. "You must really like your brother a lot, then?"

I paused. "It's complicated. Well, anyway, I really should get going..." I started gathering up my materials.

"Oh. Okay." He watched as I stored my supplies away in my drawer and walked toward the door. "Get home safely, all right?"

"All right." I slid the door open.

"And Kuchiki?"

"Yes?" I turned around, maybe a little too eagerly.

"Uh...if you're ever having problems or something..." He ran a hand through his spiky hair. "...you can come and talk to me, got it?"

I nodded. "Okay. I understand. Thank you, Shiba-sensei. Have a good day!"

"You too." He gave a little wave.

I bowed, closed the door and started down the hall. There was a slight bounce in my step now. _He said I could come talk to him!_ The thought of spilling my innermost secrets to Shiba-sensei was more than a little intimidating. _Still, just the fact that he said that_...I couldn't keep the grin off my face.

--

"Someone's happy," Kiyone-chan commented when I walked into homeroom the next morning. I realized I was still wearing a trace of a smile. "Didja finally find a boyfriend or something, Rukia-chan?"

I shook my head, embarrassed—Shiba-sensei was _right there!_ I couldn't have her saying things like that around him! "N-no, I...um...I just had a really good breakfast this morning. That fish tasted _so _fresh!"

"Mm-_hm._" Kiyone-chan nodded, still looking slyly at me. "Hey, how come you never let any of us come over to your house, anyway? I mean, I'm your friend, right?"

"Y-yes, but..." I paused. How was I going to tell her this? "...it's embarrassing," I sighed.

"Really? But you're loaded, right? It's not like you live in a shack or something. What's there to be embarrassed about?"

"It's...different." She couldn't really understand. I didn't think anyone could.

The bell rang and we took our seats. Ukitake-sensei turned things over to Shiba-sensei. "Morning, class," he said cheerfully.

Something fluttered in my heart. It was nice that both of us were in a good mood. Oddly, I felt a sort of connection with him.

"Okay, the new cleaning schedule for this month is posted on the wall here, for those who didn't bother to look already." He motioned next to him. "On another note…"

I stopped listening to the actual words he was saying and got lost in the sound of his voice. It had such a nice timbre.

--

It was the last class of the day and I'd been looking forward to going home, but…

"Put your things away and take out a pencil so we can begin the test," my chemistry teacher commanded us.

_Oh, no_..._A test? In this class? How did I not know about this?_ I turned to Sentarou-kun to ask if he knew anything. "No talking," said the teacher.

_Damn_..._How could I study for a test that I didn't know existed?_ I panicked as the test papers were passed back through my row. I took one look at it and groaned inwardly. It was full of stuff that we had only learned a few days ago. And on top of that, I hadn't really understood it at all.

I sat there staring blankly at the page for who knows how long, then feebly wrote some nonsense that sounded a little like what we had been learning.

"Time's up."

That was it. I was doomed. I passed my paper forward and let my head sink into my hands. _How could this happen?_

Kiyone-chan turned to me and whispered, "Don't worry, it was just one test. I didn't really know what I was doing either."

_That's right, just one test,_ I thought, smiling faintly. _That's not such a big deal, is it?_

Wait. No. The last time I had seen Nii-sama, two weeks ago, he noted how my recent grades seemed "sub-par." Actually, they were above average, but of course Nii-sama only wanted the best from me. He had already been skeptical about my attending Aozora High, saying it wasn't "serious" enough. He'd threatened to switch me into Beatrice Gakuen, the super-strict girls' academy, if I didn't start doing better.

And in chemistry, tests counted for a lot. _God_..._I really screwed up_...Going to that school was the last thing I wanted. But now I practically had one foot in the door, thanks to this...

The bell rang and I bolted out of the room, running instinctively to the girls' room. I turned on the water and started frantically washing my face in one of the dingy little sinks. But what good did I think that could possibly do me? I sighed and started to dry off with a coarse paper towel.

Then I remembered. _Shiba-sensei!_

Turning the corner, I ran back past the classroom and around the corner, then down two hallways. I stopped in front of the art room door, then took a deep breath and flung it open.

Shiba-sensei was across the room. It looked like he was reorganizing the contents of some shelves and cleaning off dust with a rag. "Who is it?" He turned around, wiping his hands off on a paper towel. "Oh, Kuchiki, it's..." The look on his face changed—he must have seen the anguish on mine. "Is something wrong?"

Something about seeing him look so genuinely concerned for me... it just pushed me over the edge. I burst into tears.

_No, no_... _this is the worst thing I could do in front of Shiba-sensei! _I covered my face with both hands, trying to hide not only the shame, but the pain, the anxiety, the loneliness, the...

I heard footsteps coming quickly in my direction. Then there was a pair of warm arms encircling me.

What?

..._What?_

* * *

A/N: The chapter title, "jugyou," means lessons. Also, as for the cleaning thing, in Japanese schools the students take turns staying after school to clean the classroom. It rotates regularly.

Stay tuned, people... (I love ending on cliffhangers. Ooh I'm so evil. :3)


	5. Nagusame: Solace

A/N: Yes, I decided to switch to 3rd person for this chapter since it better suited my purposes. So sue me. I will likely do this again in the future, i.e. certain chapters that need to show multiple people's perspectives, so be warned. But for the most part, it'll still be 1st person.

Also, thought I'd explain that this scene is especially awkward since guys and girls pretty much never,_ ever_ hug in Japan unless they're going out. And with teachers and pupils, that would multiply the awkwardness by about…oh… 84652461571.  
Enjoy.

* * *

_**Secret 5: Nagusame.**_

Shiba Kaien stopped what he was doing and stared at the girl standing just inside the door to his classroom. _Huh? Why's she crying? …Screw that, the "why" doesn't matter right now. _He let the dusty rag drop to the floor and took a few quick strides toward her. Before he knew what he was doing, he had wrapped her thin, shuddering frame in his arms like a baby bird he had just rescued.

"Shhh…it's gonna be all right," he murmured as he patted her hair. "Don't worry. Shhh…"

Slowly, the muffled sobs started to die down. After they stopped, he came to his senses. _What the _hell_ am I doing? I'm hugging a student…with the door open, no less. Bad move. _Then he let go and looked at the girl in front of him, trying in vain to wipe her tear-stained face with one hand. _But I guess she really needed that._

"Uh…" He leaned over to his desk, grabbed the box of tissues, and held it out to her. "…Here?"

Rukia took the box and plucked out a tissue, then proceeded to dab at her eyes with it. "Thank you, Kaien-sens…I mean, Shiba-sensei!"

"No, no, that's fine." Kaien rubbed the back of his head and chuckled. "I mean, I don't call you Kuchiki-_san_, right? So go ahead…no need to be so formal, y'know?" _Not too professional of me_, he admitted. _Still, there's nothing _wrong_ with that._

"Okay…Kaien-sensei." A wisp of a smile worked its way onto Rukia's face. Which was bright red. _Wow, she must have cried pretty hard. But I thought that only made your _eyes_ red?_

"Sooo…did you wanna tell me what the problem was? Oh, if you don't, that's cool too," he added.

"There's…a lot of problems," Rukia sighed.

"I've got time. Sit down and let's talk." _I'm no counselor, but I can sure as hell try, right?_

--

After listening for as long as it took, Kaien took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Damn, Kuchiki…your life's a wreck, isn't it?"

Rukia's lower lip quivered noticeably, and Kaien felt a pang of guilt. "Ooh…forget I said that," he muttered.

"Well, it's the truth, now that I think about it," Rukia said quietly. "Sometimes I wonder if it'll ever get better."

Kaien didn't like the grim tone of this conversation. "Of…of course it will, Kuchiki! You'll have two more awesome years here, then you'll graduate and go to a good college and get out on your own and meet tons of new friends, and…" He trailed off. Even he realized how fake that sounded.

"I wish it were that simple."

"Eh?"

"Nii-sama wants me to keep living at home during college. He says it will be more secure there, and the quality of living will be better than at any dorm, and…" Rukia clenched her fists. "I suppose he just wants to keep me under his wing for as long as possible. Or," she whispered, "under his thumb."

Kaien sat in silence, absorbing everything that had been said. This was pretty serious stuff.

"Not only that," Rukia added, "but I'm not exactly having the best time in high school. I only have two real friends. And I can't seem to really open up to them."

"Well, yeah. You've built walls around you."

Now it was Rukia's turn. "E…eh?"

"You're shy and you don't like getting hurt any more than you already have to. So you build up a barrier and only let certain feelings in and out. Especially out. You don't want others to know that much about who you really are and what you're dealing with. Right?"

Rukia's mouth dropped open. Why did that sound so familiar?

Oh. Because it was exactly right.

Kaien scratched his head. "Hmm, and…oh yeah, ever heard the term 'inferiority complex'?"

Rukia nodded.

"Yeeaaaah…you can thank your big brother for that."

Rukia was stunned. She had never realized any of this before, yet it rang so true. "Kaien-sensei…are you sure you shouldn't have been a guidance counselor? Or a psychologist?"

"Hahaha, I never really thought about it. Art's always been my number one passion."

"I see." The light from the windows had taken on an orange tint. Rukia glanced down at her watch. "Ah! Sensei, I wasted so much of your time—"

"Are you kidding? Not a problem at all. As long as you feel better…"

"Oh, I do. I definitely do." Rukia nodded vigorously. "I guess I should be going then; my things are still in my homeroom…" She walked to the door.

"All right. But hey, Kuchiki," he called out, "tell that anal-retentive who calls himself your brother that if he doesn't start treating you decently, I'm gonna kick his ass." He punctuated this with a right jab.

At first Rukia looked horrified. After a few seconds, though, she cracked up.

Kaien felt a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. _Mission accomplished._

"Um…thank you for listening to me. Goodbye, Kaien-sensei." With that, Rukia bowed and stepped out.

"Have a good one," Kaien called after her. _So, that's what it took to get her from sobbing to giggling…actually _talking _to someone. Poor girl. _He wanted to see her smiling more of the time, though. It was fulfilling…strange as that might sound.

--

Rukia slung her bag over one shoulder and walked out of her empty homeroom. _Shiba-sensei, I mean, Kaien-sensei…he hugged me… _She could feel her face grow hot just thinking about it. Even now, the thudding in her heart was just starting to slow down.

She had only ever felt this way about one person before. When she was younger, she'd been best friends with a mischievous redhead by the name of Abarai Renji. As time went on, she'd developed a massive crush on him. She had meant to tell him someday, she really had. But one day, just as she'd plucked up enough courage…

"Um, Renji, I—" Rukia had started. Then she'd seen the hollowness in her friend's face.

"Rukia, uh…my…" Renji had muttered. "My foster dad…he got arrested. I…I gotta move in with a new family now."

"Where?" Rukia breathed. A soft wind blew over the grassy hill they were standing on—their usual meeting place.

"Kameoka. Town near Kyoto." His voice was shaky.

Rukia's jaw dropped. That was at least two hundred miles away. "No," she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes and spilling onto her cheeks. "Oh God, Renji…what are we going to do?"

"I don't know, dammit!" Renji's eyes were wet, too. Rukia was surprised to say the least, but she let him cry on her shoulder. And they'd wept together, just like that.

Rukia still thought about him from time to time, wondering how he was doing or if he'd moved to yet another foster home. She had sent him an email a year ago, but there was never any reply.

Now, though, Kaien-sensei was the only person in her head. She replayed the scene over and over in her mind's eye on the way home. Especially the look on her teacher's face when Rukia had run into his room. The thought that he really and truly cared about her well-being was just…_ah! It's all too much, _Rukia thought, feeling her face grow even warmer.

_But don't read too much into it_, she reminded herself. _You're a student, he's a teacher—one who's in training, but still…There can't be anything going on, and there never will be._

Yet a tiny part of Rukia entertained the notion of a secret romance, a notion she tried to squash quickly. Thinking like that would get her nowhere.

_Besides, Kaien-sensei could never like someone like me._ _I'm too…flimsy, too weak, too immature, too unstable. Too uncool._ Rukia smiled sardonically and wrapped her arms around her as she walked. _Kaien-sensei probably likes strong, beautiful, creative women—and he deserves them. But I'm just some girl. Some lost little girl he took under his wing._

_Well…at least he cares._

The jingle of Rukia's cell phone cut through the heavy silence. She fished around in her schoolbag and tugged it out. "Hello?"

"Rukia-chan?" It was Kiyone. "Are you okay? You looked pretty bummed about that test!"

"Hm? Oh…oh yes, I'm fine…" Not entirely true.

"Oh gosh, did I interrupt anything? Where were you just now?"

"No, you didn't," Rukia replied, a small smile spreading across her face. "I was with a friend."

--

A/N: This chapter's title, _nagusame, _carries connotations like solace/comfort/consolation… Aww. :3  
Big things will happen next chapter. Be prepared.


	6. Kasa: Umbrella

A/N: This is my longest chapter yet. I was going to call this one "ame" (rain), but that seemed too overdone, so I went with "kasa," or umbrella. And just FYI, if I get any messages saying I spelled "tempura" wrong, I'll laugh my head off and recommend a bit of paint research.  
Also, I've decided to start including quotes, mainly song lyrics, at the start of some chapters to set the mood.

--

**_Secret 6: Kasa._**

_For the sake of our smile, tomorrow, the weather will clear up. --Ashita, Tenki ni Nare by Younha_

It was another private lesson day, and I was beaming on the inside. We got to have art class with Kaien-sensei today, too. And I had just seen him in homeroom. _The world is a bright and shiny place_, I thought. _Sometimes._

But at the same time, I was kind of embarrassed. After all, over the weekend I had stayed up both nights just lying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling and letting Kaien-sensei fill my mind. I had also binged on romance novels and my collection of shoujo manga.

_Why, God…why am I such a hopeless romantic? _I sighed.

And what was really eating me was that, in my unusual haze of pink girliness, I had finally come to terms with a simple truth: I was crazy about Kaien-sensei. Liked him like mad. Not love, not yet. But if I let the gnawing in my chest grow any more out of control, well, there was no telling what would happen.

As for what to do, well…I was working on that. I figured I had two main options, both of which would hurt somehow. One was to keep seeing Kaien-sensei as much as before, keep interacting with him—keep indulging in his presence. The other was to try and go on a sort of Kaien-diet…to wean myself off of my feelings for him and force them to die down.

My adolescent mind liked the idea of the first one better, naturally. The latter didn't even seem possible. School with little to no Kaien-sensei? I'd die.

_{Looking back, I feel like a moron. What an infantile way to view the situation._

_I should have at least tried to go the second route._

_Oh well. Too late now…}_

And so I practically grinned my way through the droning of the geometry and English teachers, eagerly awaiting that moment when I could step through the door to that room…the room that smelled of tempera paints and acrylics and the student teacher that inhabited it.

That moment finally arrived. I strode through the door to the classroom and smiled at Kaien-sensei on my way to my seat—a little shyly, but it was a start. This was going to be a good class today, I could feel it.

"Alright, my loyal students," Kaien-sensei anounced, "today we're gonna start some color theory!"

_Start….start _what _now?_

"Do you all know your primary colors? I hope so."

There were some muffled "no"s and some "yes"s from the rest of the class.

"Can I get a volunteer?"

Rather than raising his hand, Sentarou-kun blurted out, "Uh…red, blue and yellow?"

"That's right!"

Kiyone-chan crossed her arms and muttered, "I coulda done that…"

"Now, who knows the secondary colors?"

One girl timidly raised her hand. "Green, orange, and…purple."

"Good job," Kaien-sensei replied. "These colors come from mixing any two of the primary colors together. I mean, you guys know that mixing blue and yellow makes green and all that, right?"

Many heads nodded.

"But can anyone tell me the tertiary colors?"

The classroom was so quiet you could hear the wind rustling the leaves outside.

"Oh well, I figured as much. They're red-orange, yellow-orange, red-violet, blue-violet, blue-green, and yellow-green. Seeing a pattern here?" He paused. "These are a mix, a halfway point between a primary color and one of the secondary colors it creates."

Kaien-sensei turned and pointed to a poster with a big circle of colors on it that was near the white board. "This might come in handy. See, if you'd just looked over here, you guys could've named some of these, no problem." He grinned.

_What? That was there all along?_ I heard groans coming from classmates who seemed to share my thoughts on the matter.

"So say hello to your new friend, the color wheel. And starting today, you guys are gonna be making your own color wheels, except they'll be more interesting. The background will look like this, but you'll have a continuous design going over it. And on each little pizza slice of color"—he pointed to the blue wedge—"you'll paint the design in its complementary color, or opposite. Fun fact: when you mix two complementary colors, you end up with something in grayscale. Remember that, it might turn up on a quiz or something." He winked. "Sooo…what's the complement of blue, class?"

"Yellow?"

"Orange?"

"Yes! Orange," said Kaien-sensei. "That's because it's a mix of the _other_ two primary colors, red and yellow. Okay, just to test you, what's the complement of red-violet?"

There was a brief pause while we tried to read the color wheel. "Yellow…green?" we replied as a class.

"Great. You guys know what you're doing," Kaien-sensei smiled. And of course, my stupid heart went _thump_. It was like a chain reaction: smile, ka-thump, blush. _Uh-oh, _I realized. _It's showing on my face…_

But this was no time to get all girly; everyone else was already getting big pre-made paper circles from the front of the room and picking out paintbrushes and tempera paints. I followed suit and then laid out some newspaper on our table. With pencils and rulers, we all divided our circles into twelve even slices, then started painting.

Kaien-sensei came around to see how everyone was doing. When he came to Sentarou-kun, he addressed the class: "Careful not to lay anything on too thick or gloppy. Remember, it's only your first coat."

Next he moved to Kiyone-chan and nodded. When he shifted his gaze, she turned and stuck her tongue out at Sentarou-kun. I wasn't terribly surprised.

He came to me, murmured "good job" and moved on. …_Eh? _It all seemed so impersonal compared to the other day. But then, this was class and not one-on-one time. And we were still too early in the assignment for him to give any real feedback.

I got all three primary colors and two secondary colors done before class ended, so I was a little proud of myself. I wrote my name on the back of the wheel and left it in the corner to dry.

The rest of the class filed out of the room before me. "Hey," Kaien-sensei nodded to me. "Still on for today, right?"

"Yes," I nodded back. "I'll look forward to it."

"Well—" we both started.

"…I'll see you later, Kaien-sensei," I continued.

"See ya." He gave a lazy wave and turned up one corner of his mouth.

I left the room hastily and wished he wouldn't do that. It was definitely not healthy for my heart.

In chemistry, I could feel a gloomy aura settling over the classroom. Or maybe that was just me. I had no desire whatsoever to see my test grade, but…it was inevitable. I closed my eyes briefly when my paper made its way onto my desk, then opened them. It was a C.

_Not so bad…_I told myself. _Couldn't really expect much more on a "pop test," after all. _That still didn't drown out the thought that was echoing in my head: _Nii-sama is going to kill me. Kill me. Kill me…_

Those sentiments must have been reflected on my face when I looked up, because Kiyone-chan grabbed desperately at her paper and held it up for me and Sentarou-kun to see, complaining, "Aw, look, you guys! I only got a 74! I wish I was smarter like you—"

Sentarou-kun chuckled smugly.

"Not you, smartass! I meant Rukia-chan."

I smiled politely at her mood-lightening attempts. True, my C was higher, but what did that matter? The stakes were high for me. Much too high. And so I merely sighed and hoped that Nii-sama wouldn't be home again tonight.

Thankfully there was a pick-me-up coming: my art lesson. After the last bell rang, I gathered up my belongings, said goodbye to my classmates, and floated over to the art room.

Kaien-sensei was already there this time, sitting at his desk and sipping what was probably instant coffee. He was looking at some papers, which I assumed were lesson plans. Again I had to wonder how much work must go into being a teacher…especially an inexperienced one.

"Um…knock knock?" I said.

"Whoa! Oh, you're here." His surprised look faded into a smile. "Thought you'd get some revenge by sneaking up on _me _this time, eh?"

"N-no, I—"

"Naw, it's okay, come sit down," he said, motioning me over to a table. "What'll we work on today?…Oh yeah, we're continuing with perspective."

I got out my sketchbook and opened it to the past few pages.

"Okay, so…"

--

Kaien had been tutoring her for about ten minutes when the thing happened. The…odd thing.

She was working on drawing a city street with one-point perspective. One building was supposed to be bigger than the other, but she wasn't doing that right, and he wanted to help her, and so he just put his hand around hers to guide the pencil and said, "See, like this…"

And in that instant there was a spark. A spark which must have leapt to his heart, because it started to beat much, much faster.

Shiba Kaien didn't know what he'd done, but he had to get away.

"Oh, sorry," he said, letting go of her (delicate, small, soft) hand, "I forgot I had to leave early today." He glanced at his watch. "Really sorry for not telling you sooner." He went to his desk and started putting his papers in order. "Look, you keep working on this stuff at home, alright?" He could hear the strain in his voice.

Kaien picked up his bag and walked out, leaving behind a blushing and very bewildered Rukia.

Once he got outside the building, he leaned up against the brick wall. _Oh, right, it's raining. Shit. _He hastily pulled out and opened his umbrella, then looked out at the gray landscape.

_Just what the hell _was _that? _Kaien didn't actually know the answer, nor did he want to think about it. He briefly considered stopping off at the convenience store to pick up a pack of cigarettes, but… _No. I'm done with that._

And he didn't have time to ponder anything else, because Rukia was already walking past him. She must not have seen him there because her head was down, and her body was shaking, like…

_Goddamn, _Kaien thought as he watched her keep walking, _there is nothing more depressing than a crying girl in the rain._

She had made it through the parking lot and almost to the sidewalk when he called out, "Kuchiki!"

--

I heard Kaien-sensei's voice and turned around. _No…no, he can't see me crying _again! Everything had just sort of built up and overflowed—the test, my fear of Nii-sama, my overwhelming feelings for Kaien-sensei and the knowledge that I could never have him…

But here he was. The object of my affections was standing here in front of me and holding out his umbrella. I took it—and ironically, that's when the rain began to let up.

We both looked up at the sky, puzzled…then started laughing. It seemed crazy, but I felt all my problems were solved, just like that.

He shifted his gaze back down and our eyes met.

The sky was gray and the air was thick with the smell of rain. A breeze blew the umbrella out of my hand, catching me off-guard. It landed in a puddle a few feet away. Neither of us moved to pick it up.

We stared at each other like that for a while, and I was about to avert my eyes when…I don't know who moved first, but suddenly our lips were locked.

My first kiss was warm and sweet and much more than I ever expected it to be.

It was also with my art teacher.

--


	7. Hitei: Denial

_**Secret 7: Hitei.**_

_Fools in love:__ are there any other kinds of lovers? Is there any other kind of pain? –Fools in Love by Inara George_

_--  
_

_And here I am again, _I thought, _lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling. I'm starting to see a pattern here. _Images danced across my mind's eye—the red umbrella, Kaien-sensei's eyes…I could see everything clear as day. And I could still feel his lips on mine.

_{__From then on, whenever I picked up the scent of rain, bits and pieces of that same scene would flash through my head. Almost like a videotape that had gotten scrambled in the wash.}_

After the incident—I just _couldn't_ think of it as "the kiss," since that would mean it actually happened—we had finally pulled apart. I had stared dazedly at his face for a moment, but we both suddenly snapped back into reality. After all, we had to come down from our heaven sometime.

Things were not quite so perfect after that.

"I, um…"

"Yeah, I…"

"Sorry. Bye."

And with that, I had turned, picked up the umbrella, and walked away. I began gradually picking up speed until I was running away from the scene of the…(the crime? Was it a crime?) The _incident_, that was it.

I hadn't looked back, since I was afraid our eyes might meet. And so I'd arrived here, back home, breathless and flushed for more than one reason. I had gone straight up to my room, not even giving my…_his_ umbrella to any of the servants.

Now that telltale umbrella sat in the corner of my room, leering at me. _Funny, _I thought, _it's almost as red as my face must be right now._

I stared at the umbrella. It stared back. _That was a damn good kiss, wasn't it? _it seemed to say.

I touched my lower lip. _Well, it's not like I have any frame of reference, but…if a good kiss makes you feel tingly all over, then yes._

_But that was a teacher you just kissed, _the umbrella replied. _Chew on _that _for a while._

It took a long time to get to sleep that night.

--

The day after, I found myself wondering where Kaien-sensei was. After sitting anxiously in homeroom for several minutes, I finally gave in and asked Ukitake-sensei about it.

"Oh, he said he's at a student-teacher conference, or something to that effect," smiled Ukitake. He shrugged. "Does that answer your question?"

"Um…yes, thank you."

"That's good." He went to the board and began writing.

That day was one of the longest and most torturous I had ever gotten through. At least, up until then.

--

It was homeroom the following day, and my heart was pounding in my ears. "Er…Kaien-sensei? Here's your umbrella from before." I held out the stupid thing. I'd decided to blame it for all this nonsense…and so giving it back would just reverse everything, right?

He took it. "Thanks," he said absently. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw Kiyone-chan and Sentarou-kun exchange glances.

Out in the hall after homeroom, they both began nudging me and smirking. "Well there, Rukia-chan," joked Sentarou-kun, "when didja start borrowing things from Shiba-sensei? Got something special going on?"

"Oh, do tell!" Kiyone-chan added, mimicking a gossipy housewife.

"No, there's not! Shut up!" I exclaimed. Needless to say, this was really starting to make me uncomfortable. I quickly stalked off into the girls' room, not wanting to show them my blushing face.

_Of course Kaien-sensei would act like nothing had happened. Of course_, I told myself. _Why would he show public affection or acknowledgement to a student? That's just silly._

Still, it threw me off a little…not to mention hurt and bewildered me.

The next day, it was art class again. I wanted desperately to say something to Kaien-sensei, to make a connection about what had happened, to maybe even figure it out. But he just observed us as usual, nodding at our progress on the color wheels—we already knew what to do.

I finished painting in all the wedges and tried to decide on what design to do. Eventually I started penciling in a motif of swirls—a miasma that, to be frank, reflected my mental and emotional state these days. So many thoughts and feelings were roiling around inside…I felt some unseen connection between my heart and Kaien-sensei, and I wanted him to feel it too.

But of course there was no way to know whether he did because _he just was not talking with me._

That day there was no mention of another private lesson coming up, either.

I was going to go insane.

Things continued like that for the next few days—Kaien-sensei seeing me in homeroom but acting like he didn't know me, ignoring our lessons together, and generally avoiding me in art class and everywhere else—and oh how I was breaking.

At some point I realized: _I can't go on like this._ I decided I would have to suck it up and talk with Kaien-sensei in private—if he would even agree to it.

I stayed in the classroom after everyone had left one day. Ukitake-sensei was out talking with another teacher.

"Kaien-sensei?" It came out as barely more than a whisper. I wanted to smack myself.

"Yeah?" He turned to face me from behind the desk. For some reason I couldn't read what was on his face.

I took a deep breath. "We need to talk."

There was a pause. He heaved a great sigh, one which seemed to drain the life out of him.

"Alright."

--

The next time we had art, I waited until after class. I got off of my stool and walked over to close the door. Kaien-sensei was absorbed in reading some sort of textbook—or at least, he looked like he was.

"Okay." I gulped. "Kaien-sensei…what happened the other day?"

There was an awkward silence. "What do you mean?"

"W-what do you mean, what do I mean?" I said, flustered. "You know what I'm talking about. Please, can you stop pretending otherwise?"

"…No."

I rolled my eyes in frustration. Now he was just acting like a big baby. That drove me to pluck up every ounce of bravado I had and protest, "Sensei, you have to acknowledge this. Maybe you're embarrassed about it like me, and maybe the world doesn't have to know, but I know I felt something, and I don't know if you felt it too—"

"Of course I felt something!" he cut in, agitated. "But I didn't want to. I _am _ashamed, I'm so damn ashamed of myself. And I don't think that should happen again. …You know that time I was away from school?" He paused like he wasn't sure if he should keep talking. "There was no conference. I was trying to get my head sorted out. And I think it would be better if this…if all this just never happened."

I walked over and stood in front of his desk, trying not to show how hard my heart was thumping.

"Seriously, Kuchiki." At last he met my eyes. His voice was losing its forced control. "I don't want _you_ to get in trouble, I don't want _me _to get in trouble…" He paused, sounding like something was on the tip of his tongue.

"…I think we should stop this before things get out of hand." He delivered it all in one breath.

"But Kaien-sensei"—I was leaning in closer, falling into his eyes—"they already are."

"Goddammit," I thought I heard him mutter before he took…no, grabbed my shoulders and kissed me. It was needy and hungry, like he had been waiting forever for this. And so had I.

I kissed him back like my life depended on it, like the world was crumbling and then melting to waves around us and this was the only thing that kept us anchored. He moved his hands to wrap around me in a tight embrace.

And it was then that I knew I, an insignificant little boat, had finally found my harbor. It was here in Kaien-sensei's arms.

* * *

A/N: Yes, that's a reference back to the boat metaphor in chapter 2.


	8. Tsuyagoto: Affair

A/N: I just realized...a little over a year has passed since I started this, but a little over two weeks have gone by in the story before now. Hehe. Rukia's so cute in this chapter. Oh, and sorry about the late update. And two quotes this time, people. Enjoy!

Note: _Gyokuro _is a very high grade of Japanese tea.

* * *

**_Secret 8: __Tsuyagoto._**

_There was a love affair in__ this building/The kind of love affair which every respectable building must keep as a legend –-Love Affair by Regina Spektor_

_In the meadow of sinful thoughts, every flower's a perfect one/To paradise, with pleasure haunted…haunted by fear/...Fall in love with your deep dark sin–-She Is My Sin by Nightwish_

----

After we had gotten past that initial burst of emotion, Kaien-sensei and I came to realize that, really, there was nothing we could do about the way things were. By that, did I mean the fact that we were _sensei to gakusei_—teacher and student—or maybe the fact that we needed each other very, very badly? Or both. Yes, it was both.

And so we had to set something up.

"When can we meet?" were the first words out of Kaien-sensei's mouth, once it had detached from my own.

He was still holding me, and I felt his voice reverberating in his chest. It was...nice. "I think..." I started, heart thumping wildly, "that we should keep the art lesson times. We can be together, and I could keep being tutored by you."

He nodded, understanding what I was saying. "How's two days from now?"

I smiled shyly up at him. "I think I can wait."

"Awesome." He pulled apart from me. "But right now you should go, Kuchiki, you're gonna be late to class. Okay?"

"Okay," I sighed.

"But one more thing. I think you should still call me Shiba-sensei in class. Well, in public. Just to be on the safe side, you know."

"Right." That made sense. Just as I turned to leave, the bell rang.

"...I guess I should write you a pass."

"I guess so."

Smiling, he scribbled on a slip of paper, ripped it off and handed it to me. When I took it, though, he didn't let it go. Taken by some odd impulse, he held my hand in his and slowly brought it to his chest. I felt the same kind of thumping that was happening inside my own ribcage—fast, but calming down after our encounter.

"You feel it, Kuchiki? That's what you do to me," he said, chuckling a little in disbelief.

I blushed and didn't say anything, though I really wanted to tell him it was mutual. I gave a "Bye" and hurried out of the room, my face still beet-red.

That night, I was caught by surprise. Nothing seemed particularly out of the ordinary when I got home. I just stayed in my room, doing homework and reading or doodling as usual. But when I came down the stairs in my stocking-feet for dinner…

"The food appears adequate. Thank you."

That was my brother's voice—cold, smooth, and just as devoid of human warmth and feeling as the finish on a car. I froze on the bottom two steps. He was home? Really? It was the first time in what felt like weeks. This trip was a long one, apparently.

I tiptoed back up the steps to put on some fancier attire. When I came down to the dining room I was confronted by my stone-faced elder brother, sitting expectantly in a high-backed chair across the long table.

"Rukia."

That was his greeting. I bowed in response. "Welcome back, Nii-sama."

"Indeed...I haven't sat here for a while, it seems. Now let's begin; the food is starting to grow cold."

I blushed. "I'm sorry, Nii-sama."

"_Itadakimasu_," we murmured together, then picked up our salad forks and dug in. Well, dug in politely.

"…You're doing well in school, I hope?" Nii-sama asked halfway through the meal.

I swallowed my sip of _gyokuro _tea. "Yes, Nii-sama, I'm still doing my best," I replied.

"That is good to hear. Keep in mind that the school term ends in two months or so…is that right?" I nodded. "Yes, so keep your work habits up until then. And from then on, of course."

I nodded again. "I understand, Nii-sama." It seemed like he was searching for things to say. But this was talkative for him; he was putting forth an effort tonight. I was glad, even though it manifested as prying questions about school. At least the subject of the new art teacher (and my lessons) was never broached.

_Now it's your turn, _I reminded myself. "Er…how were your travels, Nii-sama?" I asked cautiously.

He finished chewing his bite of sashimi. On nights when Nii-sama was home, he would usually like us to have _kaiseki-ryouri_—formal Japanese sometimes he would request spicy things like Thai or Spanish food, which I would force down with tears streaming from my eyes.

"The trip was …acceptable. And, I believe, successful," he stated simply. "We may have some shares in a new business in China." He sipped his tea.

And that was all I would get out of him. But it was all right, I was used to this. "That's nice," I managed, and continued eating.

At last, I finished my stately dinner with the honorable Kuchiki Byakuya. When we had murmured "_Gochisousama deshita_," wiped our mouths, bowed and stood up, I decided to ask one more question before we went our separate ways.

"Um…Nii-sama?"

"Refrain from saying 'um,' Rukia, that is uncouth….Yes, what is it?" he responded. I picked up on the slightly miffed tone in his voice.

"How long are you going to be home?"

"…for the remainder of the week. Then I'll most likely depart again."

"Ah, I see." This meant that after this week, I could stay as late as I wanted with Kaien-sensei, said a naughty little voice in my head. I shoved that thought aside for later. "Well, it's good to have you home, Nii-sama." I groped for something to say. "Your presence makes the house feel less empty."

That was a lie. He seemed surprised, though...which was rare. "Is that so?...Well then," he regained his composure, "I'm glad. Good night, Rukia."

"Good night, Nii-sama."

And he headed toward his study, while I turned in the direction of the stairs. I was in a state of mild disbelief. We never talked about our feelings in this house. Ever. I supposed this was progress.

----

The next couple of weeks ran by in a blur of emotion and sensation...and of course art.

During the time Nii-sama was still at home, I stayed after with Kaien-sensei about every other day, and not very late. Since our time was short, we mixed some furtive kisses in with Kaien-sensei's tips on perspective and then painting. I still blushed madly every time.

But when the first week was out and Nii-sama was gone again, I longed to start staying later. The problem was whether the servants would rat on me or not. When I told them to keep things quiet, they were uneasy—they were under my orders, but then again, Nii-sama was the master of the house. So I just reminded them of all the times I had seen them slacking off, and how certain I was that my sympathetic brother would understand. That seemed to work well. I felt bad about going that route, but I saw no alternatives.

As the next week and the next wore on, we grew bolder. Art was starting to factor in less and less. Now it was more about the way I would loop my arms low around Kaien-sensei's hips and bury my face in his chest and inhale—_God does he smell good_—and how he would kiss the top of my head, which required bending down because dammit, I was a midget compared to him. (Or anyone, for that matter.)

And so he would hoist me up onto one of the long wooden tables and kiss me, and I would sit and kiss him back. One brave day, I started planting butterfly kisses along his neck, and I felt him stiffen and his skin grew flushed with heat, but still he pulled away and rolled his eyes and said jokingly, softly, "Aw, Kuchiki, that's not how it's done." Then he was on my own neck and it was warm and his lips were everywhere and it felt so, so good. In the back of my mind I knew it was so, so wrong, but that was bothering me—us—less and less.

Moments like these were so sweet, like the kisses that filled them…but also warm warm _warm, _so much that it was like heated honey drizzling onto my fingers.

With each meeting, we started stealing more and more time to be together. I just had to be careful about knowing when Nii-sama was going to come home, and Kaien-sensei had to be careful that no one found out anything…_anything _about us. That part was a little nerve-wracking.

Still, I didn't want any of this to change. I thought maybe things could continue just like this, at least until I graduated and we could be together for real. Nice and simple…aside from the whole secret affair thing.

----

On one particular day the following week, lunch hour was starting and I was about to stay a little later in my homeroom. Kaien-sensei and I needed to set up our next meeting time—it would probably be the next day, but I needed to make sure.

I watched him, over on the other side of the room at his desk—Ukitake-sensei was at his own—and all the other students became a blur around him. But I had to pay attention to see when the coast was clear.

All of a sudden, someone spoke from the doorway behind me.

"Hey…anyone know where I can find Kuchiki Rukia?"

I felt a jolt. That voice called up a flood of thoughts and feelings from the chambers of my mind. The timbre had changed a little bit, but there was no mistaking it…

I turned around. It was Renji.

--


	9. Kikyou: Homecoming

A/N: Hehe, Rukia's fiery side shows up in this one. Yes, back to 3rd person again. Also, in case you forgot about Renji being previously mentioned, you can check chapter 5. It was my little attempt at foreshadowing…kinda…in a way…  
And for those who didn't know, onigiri are rice balls.

* * *

_**Secret 9: Kikyou.**_

_I used to get away with so much/Now I can't get away…. I'm finding my way back to you/And everything I used to be/And waiting is all that I can do/Until you find your way back to me _– "Find My Way Back" by Michelle Branch

Abarai Renji hadn't expected to find the person he was looking for so quickly. After all, it was only the second classroom he'd run into at random, asking around for a certain girl he used to know. It must have been his lucky day.

Now, as she turned to face him, he stopped in the doorway and took a good long look at Rukia, the Rukia he hadn't seen in two years. She was still small and delicate (though she'd definitely grown up a little, he thought quickly), and despite that, he knew she could incapacitate him with a swift kick to the groin if she wanted to.

Rukia was the first to break the silence. "R…Renji?" She blinked a couple of times, clearly as much in shock as he was.

Her voice snapped him out of his brief stupor, and his face cracked into a big dumb grin. "Heeeyy! Rukia!" he chuckled, taking two steps forward and sweeping her into a bone-crushing bear hug. "'Sbeen a while, huh?!"

"Nghh…gack," mumbled Rukia, trying to breathe. She couldn't feel her feet touching the ground. Which was because Renji had lifted her up and was now spinning her around, adding to her lightheadedness. Finally he set her down, and she stumbled, but he gripped her shoulders without missing a beat.

"Oh my _god_, man! It's you! I can't fuckin' believe it!" he said excitedly, bending down so they were face-to-face. He knew he probably looked like an overeager little kid who just got a puppy for Christmas…_but who the hell cares_, he thought. _It's Rukia._

Rukia's wide eyes stared back into Renji's. "W…whoa." She shook her head a little, and after regaining her senses, let loose a smile that Renji thought could probably stop wars. "Renji!" She lifted up a hand to his face (was she going to touch his cheek?) and…delivered an impressive bitchslap that knocked Renji a couple of steps away.

"Wh--_Hey!_" Renji muttered, bewildered. He rubbed his cheek. _Daaamn. She's still got it._

"That's for disappearing off the face of the earth for God knows how long, you moron!" snapped Rukia, despite wearing a disbelieving smile. "How was I supposed to know if you were even alive?!"

The other students in the classroom and the hall were definitely staring at the reunited pair, but neither of the two came close to noticing.

Renji understood her wrath now. He rolled his eyes. "Y'know, Rukia, I _was _gonna email you when I got there and tell you my new phone number. But see, the thing about living in a crappy-ass shithole town in the middle of nowhere is that no one has a fucking _computer_. Which sucks because I forgot your goddamn number." He paused, then added, "'Scuse my French."

Rukia blinked. That was the most profanity she'd heard since…well, since Renji left. Then things clicked into place. "So…that email I…" Rukia blushed. She felt a little stupid now. "Sorry."

"Whatever, man. I should've tried harder." Renji rubbed the back of his head, and the grin worked itself onto his face again.

"It's good to see you again."

Hearing those words made that slap worth it. Almost. "Good to see you too," Renji replied.

Rukia paused to think. "…Wait…what are you even doing here?"

Renji sighed. "Yeah, about that…my foster parents were these geezers, and the dad had a stroke. Then the mom was grieving real bad and she…had a heart attack a few months later."

The smile had dropped from his face. He had a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach and in his head, but he continued. "So the social workers were figuring out what to do with me, and so I said, 'Hey, you know what? I'm turning eighteen next week, so can't you just let me live on my own from now on?' And what do you know…it worked. I moved back here and I'm living in an apartment." He paused for air.

"But you're still in high school…right?" asked Rukia.

"Yup. Guess where I'm going for senior year?" Renji felt himself grinning again.

"Oh."

"Nostalgic, huh?" Renji took a nice, refreshing breath. "My old school in my old town…with my old friend." He grabbed Rukia's head and gave her noogies, just like he used to.

Only this time Rukia broke free and pushed his arm away. "You never change…" she sighed, trying to look exasperated, but a smile was working its way back out of hiding.

They stood there a moment. "So, uh…" Renji began. "I gotta go finish registering at the main office."

Rukia chuckled. "Your old teachers are going to _love _seeing you here again."

"Yeah, I know, right?" said Renji, an impish smirk on his face as he turned and headed out the door. "…See you after school?"

"Um…" Rukia thought briefly. She couldn't remember if she was supposed to meet with Kaien-sensei or not, but even if that was the case, it could wait. This was big. "Sure," she agreed. "In the main lobby."

"Bye."

Rukia waved after him.

The rest of the class hushed their murmuring, creating an awkward silence around Rukia as she noticed the rest of the world. _Oh…that's right. I wonder what they all must have thought of that._ Glancing around, her eyes landed on Kaien-sensei at his desk in the back. She couldn't tell if he had been looking at her or not, since he had instantly flicked his gaze down to focus on the onigiri he was eating.

_Ah. Right, _Rukia thought. _Lunch. We're eating lunch. _And so she took out her lacquered bentou and ate alone at her desk as usual.

Kaien had, in fact, been amongst the people watching Renji and Rukia's reunion. It was a little hard not to. He hadn't heard the whole conversation, mostly the louder parts…but he'd seen how Rukia's face lit up when she talked with the tall muscular redhead with tattoos down his neck—_was he really a teenager?_—and how he'd swung her around like a scene from a movie.

He really couldn't help but wonder what their history was. _Well. Now I know what's gonna be distracting me the rest of the day. …Maybe I can talk about it with Rukia when we meet up later. _And so the addled young man sighed quietly, got up, put away his lunch and began straightening his papers.

The rest of the day went by sluggishly for Rukia, Renji and Kaien. Renji was already starting to wish he'd dropped out. Then again, that would mean no Rukia, which would suck. Meanwhile, Rukia and Kaien were each trying to concentrate on their tasks at hand but failing. This irked Kaien more than it should—he couldn't believe such a minor development was getting to him. He didn't even know what the situation was. _But maybe that's part of the problem, _he realized. _The only thing to do is find out._

When the final bell rang, it was like music to all three parties' ears. When almost all the class had flowed out of the room, Kaien walked up to Rukia's desk, concealing all the mess that was going on beneath the surface. "Hey," he smiled.

"Sensei," Rukia smiled back. The room was empty now. "Were we supposed to have lessons today?" Her small smile had a hint of apology to it.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think we were," Kaien answered, trying to keep it cool. But…it wasn't like her to forget.

"Hm…About that," Rukia looked away. "My old friend and I—"

At that moment, Renji showed up in the doorway behind her. "Oi! Rukia!" he called.

"Uahh!" She blinked. "Renji, I'm right here. And didn't you say the main lobby?"

"Yeah, you weren't there."

"_Somebody's _impatient," Rukia chuckled. This gave Kaien an odd twisted feeling in his stomach.

Rukia turned back to Kaien. "Sorry, Sensei. Rain check?"

"Yeah, that's…that's fine," Kaien murmured absently.

He watched as the guy—"Renji"—took Rukia's arm and pulled her playfully out the door and down the hall. _Is he going to walk her home?_

His question was answered when he looked down from the window after a couple of minutes and saw the two walking away from the school. Kaien turned around, frustrated, and slumped into his desk chair. _Okay, just what the hell is going on?_

--


	10. Yuujou: Camaraderie

A/N: Sorry about the long gap...starting college/life in general kinda got in the way and the story was buried for a while. Let's see how much further I get through the general plotline before giving up...haha.  
Yay for more Renji-Rukia interactions. Also for those who might not know, _unagi-don (donburi) _is a box meal packed with cooked eel on rice with a special sauce drizzled over it. *mouth waters*  
Also, 30 kilograms is about 66 pounds. Hehe.

* * *

**_Secret 10: Yuujou._**

_I should tell you that you were my first love. And it's all right...And we're seventeen again, together_ – "The Hat" by Ingrid Michaelson

_He that is not jealous is not in love_. – St. Augustine

Renji practically dragged me out the front doors of the school, having barely given me time to stop at my locker or slip on my outdoor shoes. I couldn't blame him, I could feel the excitement too, but really now!

He stopped abruptly, turned around and took a good look at the front of Aozora High School. "Hasn't changed at all."

Inhaling deeply, he linked arms with me and joined the trickle of departing students who weren't staying after. "Just like old times!" he sighed.

"Renji!" I blushed. "What are people going to think…?" I looked pointedly at our arms.

"Huh? Oh." Renji shrugged one shoulder. "Pfft, whatever. Screw them!" He grinned, looking around us.

Despite the over-closeness, I did feel comfortable like this, so I let it slide. We headed out onto the sidewalk and turned left. As we walked, I looked up at Renji. He really didn't look that different from before….except the tattoos. I wondered about that.

"So how's school been since I stopped, uh… gracing it with my presence?" Renji asked, looking down at me. "Are the teachers still old farts?"

I thought. "Yeah. Well…mostly," I conceded. "Actually, there's this new student teacher who's…very cool." I was careful not to sing any more praises or say he was my homeroom assistant teacher.

"Oh really? Who's that?"

"An art teacher."

Renji chuckled. "He better be good! You suck at art!"

I blushed and felt my face going into a pout. "That's not true. I'm improving. Besides, my drawings are much better than yours."

"…I'll give you that," Renji grimaced.

"Anyway…oh, do you know Ukitake-sensei?" I asked. "He's wonderful."

Renji thought. "Oh, yeah….I do remember that guy." He snorted. "He's old, but he's not an old fart."

"He's not that old!" I rolled my eyes. "You know his hair went prematurely white…"

"Well, whatever." He punched my arm. "_You _don't seem any older. You're still, what, four feet tall and 30 kilos?"

I grabbed his arm and twisted it around. "Watch it."

"Hey!" He twisted back and broke free. "That wasn't supposed to hurt that much…" he grumbled to himself.

I smirked. "Well. It looks like I've at least gotten stronger."

"I guess you have…"

"And you," I started, before looking up at him, "you've gotten…" I paused to think of something I could say. There was plenty—taller, brawnier, more confident…

"…a little cooler, I suppose," I finished, grinning.

"Huh." He shrugged. "I thought you were gonna say something else, but I guess that's a compliment coming from you."

Chuckling, I remembered all the times I used to tease him about being uncool—a running joke between us. Of course, I had never really thought that.

We were nearing the street I lived on. "Almost here?" Renji asked.

I was surprised at first that he remembered, but of course he would. Of course he'd remember the surroundings of the place I lived…even though he'd only had the privilege of actually going inside my house once.

"Mhmm…it seems we are," I said absently, wishing the walk was a little longer. I wanted to catch up with Renji some more.

Apparently he was thinking the same thing. "We should hang out during lunch break tomorrow," he suggested casually. "There's still a lot to talk about."

"Definitely," I agreed. "Where should we go?"

"Uhh…hm. We still have to stay inside the school, right?"

"Right."

"How about I just come over to your classroom?"

Without thinking, I answered, "Sure. That would be fine."

"Awesome. I'll see you tomorrow then." And Renji kept walking as I turned to my gate and entered the code.

It was only after we'd parted that I thought: _Wait. Won't Kaien-sensei be in the classroom too? How will he see this?_

And then: _What did he think of today? Everyone must have see me and Renji reuniting. I hope he doesn't take things the wrong way. Kaien-sensei knows how I feel about him._

Yet I kept running these same thoughts through my head as I tried to do my homework and go to sleep. I would just talk to him tomorrow…that was when we'd probably have a rain check, right?

I found my answer the next morning when I came into the classroom early and found only Kaien-sensei there, sitting and sipping his usual instant coffee.

"Hey."

"Good morning, sensei," I said automatically—then thought, _Well, _that_ wasn't awkward at all._

He chuckled, sounding a little surprised. "What's with all the formal stuff?"

"Hah…oops." I played it off. Something must have been distracting me. "So…I feel bad about missing our lesson yesterday." I set my things down near my desk.

"Yeah, but it's no big deal," Kaien-sensei smiled. "Today would be fine, right?"

He was so positive it made me feel even worse. "Of course!...Sorry," I apologized again.

Kaien-sensei gave a mock frown and whacked me lightly on the head. "Stop that."

"O-okay." He then kissed me in the same spot on my head where he'd whacked me. I sighed.

Our moment alone was cut short by the sound of someone approaching the door. Before the person could slide it open, Kaien-sensei and I had jumped far enough apart to avoid suspicion.

Of course, it had to be Ukitake-sensei who walked into the room. "Morning!" he nodded to Kaien-sensei. He turned to me, a little surprised—"Good morning, Kuchiki-san." I didn't have a record of being the earliest one in the class (…though thankfully I wasn't the latest. Except for that one morning.)

"Good morning," I replied, bowing my head a little, and went to move my things outside to my cubby in the hall.

At lunch break, Renji came up to meet me as expected. "Oiiiii, Rukia!" he called. "What'd you bring for lunch today? Enough for me to have some?"

I smiled but rolled my eyes. "Yes, yes, of course. Knew you'd be hungry." Sometimes Renji reminded me of a puppy at the table begging for scraps. That probably wasn't a great way to think of it, because after all, if I had a rich friend who brought top-notch food to school every day, I'd want some too. Especially if the alternative was from the cafeteria or nearby convenience store.

We sat down in the mostly-empty classroom—that is, Kaien-sensei was still there.

"So how has your day been going?" I asked casually, taking out my lacquered bento box and setting it on the desk.

"Eh, it's alright," Renji answered, leaning backwards in his chair.

"Stop that," I admonished him automatically. "You're going to fall and hurt yourself."

"Yeah…whatever," Renji rolled his eyes and rocked back to a normal position. I gave an inward sigh of relief and opened the box. _Unagi-don_—delicious and deceptively simple. "You worry too much. Anyways, one of my teachers gave me shit for not following directions for something we did in class, but I think maybe he should speak a little more clearly. I can never hear what the hell he's saying, let alone understand it."

I giggled quietly. "Which teacher is that?"

"Well, I don't wanna name any names…" Renji's eyes flicked over to Kaien-sensei in the corner.

"Right." I smiled knowingly. "So, I mean… other than that, how is everything?"

"…Boring. I'm telling you man, I'm not cut out for school. Can't wait to graduate and just…be free." Renji folded his arms behind his head and stretched. He glanced at my food. "Can I have some of that?"

"Of course." I handed him my chopsticks. "And I think I know what you mean. But for me, it's more the people than the environment that I'm not suited to. I could go to a school full of people like you and Sentarou-kun and Kiyone-chan and things would be perfectly fine."

"Yeah, how are you doing here? I never found out how you were adjusting to the jungle… I mean, high school." Renji gave a half-smile.

"Not all that well…"

Over the course of our conversation, I would periodically shift my gaze toward Kaien-sensei, but if he was watching us then he was doing a good job of not showing it. He was just eating a sandwich and using the computer. He did make eye contact with me just before the break ended though, making sure we were on for today. I nodded slightly.

As planned, I headed over to the art room when classes were over. I slid open the door a crack and saw Kaien-sensei pacing a little bit. _Um, what?_

I opened the door all the way and saw him give a little jump. He turned to look at me. "Oh, Kuchiki…you're here."

"What is going on, sensei?" I asked him point-blank. "Is something the matter? You're not really…yourself. I guess." I raised one eyebrow.

Kaien breathed in through his nose. "Sorry. It's just…I also wanted to ask you what's up. With that new kid, I mean."

My heart rate went up as I realized what he meant. "You're talking about Renji, right? Abarai Renji?"

"Yes, Abarai-kun." Kaien-sensei ran a hand through his spiked hair. "I don't mean to pry, but I really want to know…what is he to you?"

I couldn't answer.

* * *

A/N: Just to clarify, the first quote pertains to the Renji thing, and the second to Kaien-or maybe both guys, hmm...

Soo, maybe I'll have the next chapter up sooner, eheh. Stay tuned for ensuing confrontation~


	11. Uwasa: Gossip

A/N: So, it's been over a year… *twiddles thumbs nervously* …ehehe…This story kinda just got lost in the sands of time (read: my computer) for a while there. Meaning I got too busy with college again. Honestly, this will probably never end up reaching its conclusion, but I figured hey, it's summer vacation; the least I could do is update again ;)

Sidenote: for more info on the "herbivore men" or _soushokukei _phenomenon, read about it by Googling "soushokukei herbivore NPR" and clicking the first one (I can't insert a link here). Or, to read a more casual and funny interpretation of it, replace (dot) with a period and go to http:/gaijinchronicles(dot)com/2010/08/31/plight-of-the-grass-eater/

Other note: I guess I'm pushing the whole POV change thing even further by doing it mid-chapter. Sorry 'bout that. You can call me lazy if you want...

Enjoy!

* * *

_**Secret 11: Uwasa.**_

_People are talkin', talkin' about people__/__I hear them whisper, you won't believe it__/__They think we're lovers kept under cover…Let's give 'em something to talk about_ – "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt

"So what is he to you?"

I just stared at him and swallowed. Could I even answer that for myself? Renji was...how could I define his role in words? My closest friend, though more like a long-lost friend as of late—and also the first person I'd ever really had feelings for. Not that I still did now, but that element wasn't something I wanted to come up.

My voice caught. "He-he's an old friend, I guess."

Kaien nodded. "Okay."

"We've been through a lot together."

"Yeah, I mean, I guess that would make sense with you guys seeming so close and all," Kaien-sensei mumbled.

My mouth opened a little in indignation. "Yes, we're close and we haven't seen each other in forever! And there's nothing going on there…if that's what you're wondering."

"You're sure?"

"Yes I am."

"…But do you know how he feels about you?"

I stopped to think. As far as I knew, he just thought of me as a friend…but the opposite sex was always hard for me to read. "Well, I think I do. The same way I see him, I guess—a good friend." _And fellow outcast_, I added silently.

"Okay. I believe you." Kaien-sensei smiled slightly and pulled me in to kiss the top of my head. "Just, uh…don't give him any weird signals or anything, alright?"

I nodded and leaned my head against his chest. I didn't think Renji's return would make things that complicated.

…And how quickly I was proven wrong. People do get to talking, after all.

A few days later, Kiyone-chan nudged me at the lockers as we were switching books between classes. It was out of nowhere, really. "What?" I asked her, a little miffed.

She leaned in closer, checking the surrounding area a bit. "So what's going on?" A mischievous look was starting its way across her face. I could feel another of her "gossipy housewife" impressions coming on.

"Wha…? What do you mean, Kiyone-chan?" I said, trying to look as genuinely confused as possible. Meanwhile, on the inside my heart was beating out a quickstep—_what if she's talking about Kaien-sensei?_

"Y'know…between you and that Renji dude," she said, waggling her eyebrows.

_Oh. So that's what it was._ I breathed inwardly. _Though that's an issue all its own… _"Pssshaw," I rolled my eyes. "Where did you get that from? I thought I told you, we were childhood friends who were out of contact for a while."

"Riiight, that's what they all say," Kiyone-chan smirked. "No, really though, I get it. It's just 'cause…" She looked around.

"…What have people been saying, anyway?" I asked cautiously, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"Just a few pesky rumors," Kiyone-chan said, patting me on the head repeatedly—well, a bit too hard to call it patting. "But don't you worry, I'm gonna shut up as many of those bitches as I can, kay?" She smiled.

I decided it was better not to reply to that sentiment.

"Sorry 'bout that, Rukia-chan! Me and Sentarou-kun'll bring them all to justice!...if he'll frickin' listen to me, that is." And with that she bounced back into the classroom. I had to admit, she sort of scared me sometimes.

* * *

Meanwhile, Abarai Renji was fending off rumors on his own. "No, we're uh…not seeing each other or anything," he said, scratching his head awkwardly amongst the small group of girls outside his classroom. "We're just old friends, I mean. There's no romantic-type stuff going on…" _At least, not so far as I can tell,_ he muttered inwardly. Not that he'd mind.

"Really?" asked one of the second-years, eyes bright. "Then you're available?"

"Hey!" another girl nudged her. "I was supposed to ask first. Abarai-senpai, are you looking to date anyone?" She batted her eyelashes.

_Oh brother_. Renji sized them up. They were mousy-looking and not particularly unique, and they all had that orange-auburn dyed shade of hair, which in Japan screamed _I want to be cool and conformist at the same time._

He made an uncomfortable face and scratched his head again. "Nope, uh…not particularly. Just trying to get through school is all." Which wasn't quite accurate—he didn't really give too much of a damn about school, and he wasn't averse to dating either…it just had to be the right person.

They sighed noticeably. "I see. Well, that makes sense," said the second girl. "Good luck with senior year!" said a third, silent until now. They amoeba-ed back down the hall and to the girls' room, chattering things he would probably never understand.

_Girls_, Renji rolled his eyes. _They're only interested because they see a "bad boy"…at least compared to one of those girly herbivore dudes. And I was right— they pretty much _are _all the same._

Well, except for one girl.

Renji showed up at that girl's classroom door once classes had let out. "Oi, Rukia! Did you hear what those guys've been saying?"

Rukia turned, in the middle of gathering books into her bag. "Eh? Which guys?"

"I dunno, people," Renji shrugged. He leaned in close and looked around suspiciously, almost comically. "They think we're goin' out or somethin'…"

"_Renji!_" An indignant look crossed Rukia's face, and she did a quick head check too, blushing a little. Thankfully there were only a couple of oblivious students remaining in the room. "Don't say things like that! And yes, I heard."

"Crazy, huh? Do people around here not have any better gossip, or what?" Renji shook his head. "Hey, what are you doing right now? Do you wanna walk back together again?"

_Somebody help this man._ Rukia slapped her forehead. "Come on, what were we just talking about? That'll just make the rumors _worse_."

"Oh. Guess you're right," Renji mumbled, feeling a little stupid. If he were a puppy, his ears would have drooped.

"But that doesn't mean we can't hang out away from school," Rukia smiled. "What about our hill? It's been so long, it'd be nice to meet up there again."

The imaginary ears perked back up. "Sure, why not? Let's go on Friday…then we don't have to worry about homework or whatever. Well, _you_ don't. I don't really care either way…"

Rukia elbowed him. "Please. You're going to flunk out."

"Nah, I'm not. Don't worry. So this Friday?"

_I don't have lessons with Kaien-sensei that day, right? _Rukia thought. She nodded.

"Okay, cool. And you sure you don't wanna come with me? I mean, why don't we give 'em something to talk about?" Renji grinned jokingly.

Rukia elbowed him again—no words needed.

"Alright, alright. Suit yourself." And he left.

Rukia just shook her head and finished packing up. _It's a good thing Kaien-sensei wasn't around for that—it would have made things even more awkward_. Then she realized something. _Those rumors…might not actually be so bad. They provide a totally distraction from the _real _affair going on here. The one that would be utterly ruined if they knew…_

Two days later, on Friday evening, Rukia showed up to "the hill" as planned. Their hill was about a ten-minute walk from Rukia's house—more convenient for her than for him, especially now that he was in a different apartment from before. But it was grassy and rolling and one of the more open places in town.

It wasn't a terribly big hill; the two had tried rolling down it back in the day and deemed it to be "not that fun." It did, however, turn out to be quite a fine location for impromptu picnics from the convenience store, stargazing, and talking about hopes and dreams and whatever was on TV lately.

Revisiting the hill after all that time meant, for both Renji and Rukia, revisiting plenty of old memories. Those were memories of happier days, when school was easier and they were slightly more naïve and slightly less alone in the world.

Renji came walking up to her from the same direction as before, now with about a half a foot on him and a gait that was a little less "gangly boy" and a little more "world-weary young man." Rukia couldn't help but do a double take as the new image superimposed itself over the vague fuzzy one in the depths of her mind.

They had both changed, she thought. But here they were, in their own secret little rebellion against the outside world, the one that did not fully accept them.

"Sup."

"Hi Renji."

They both grinned. "So , uh…" said Renji, pointing above him, "sky's clear tonight."

Rukia rolled her eyes. "W ell, I can see that…" She looked up at the vast and quickly darkening expanse above them. There were no clouds, and she and Renji were just far away enough from the hustle and bustle of the city to avoid the bulk of the light pollution. She sighed happily and lay back on the grass.

Renji didn't seem quite as satisfied. "It could be a little darker. Y'know, the one good thing about living in the middle of nowhere is that there's no lights to get in the way at times like this." He chuckled wryly. "Can't really say there's much else I miss, though."

"Oh well. At least we can see at all." Rukia shrugged. "Hey, did you hear? They just discovered what looks like a black hole eating a star."

"Whoa. You shitting me?"

"No I'm not. And you know what? It's 3.8 billion light years away. It happened 3.8 _billion_ years ago."

Renji let out a low whistle. "_Damn_… I don't even know how to process that. It's things like this that make you feel like we really are just dust."

"We really are, aren't we?"

"Makes you wonder why the hell we're even here. Humans think we're all that, but we're really not."

Rukia paused for a bit. "I guess…we all just have to be the best person we can be. And if we find some greater purpose, then that's a bonus."

"That sounds about right to me," Renji said, crossing his arms and looking at her.

Rukia giggled. Renji had a lot more going on inside that thick head than he let on. Then she sneezed.

"Hey, you okay?" Renji asked.

Rukia wiped her hands on the grass, embarrassed. "Of course!" Then her teeth started chattering, despite the fact that she didn't actually feel cold.

"Okay, clearly not." Renji raised an eyebrow as he took off his jacket. "You should wear more than just that sweater outside now that it's starting to get colder."

"Oh, no, you don't have to…" Rukia started, but her protest was met only with Renji wrapping the jacket around her.

He sat down on her left. "Shut up, you need it. You don't have that much meat on your bones to keep you wa— Ow!" Rukia had punctuated that sentence with a sharp jab to his arm."

"I'm fine, but…thanks. I suppose." She slipped her arms into the jacket and wrapped them around her knees, her face feeling a little warmer than before.

She still wished she could do things like this with Kaien-sensei, but it was too risky. If they had to worry about rumors this much when it was just her and Renji…she didn't even know what it would be like if she and Kaien-sensei were seen out in public.

What Rukia really wanted was to just spend time with Kaien-sensei and Renji, whenever, wherever, and however she pleased. _But you can't always get what you want_, she thought.

So she looked up and counted constellations with Abarai Renji, her fellow speck of dust in the universe.

* * *

A/N: So that's it for now, but when I have enough free time I'll try to put out the next chapter… I'll probably be devoting more time to my blog though. Which beings me to the next point: for anyone who's interested in reading more of my writing, I'm going to keep a (hopefully amusing and enlightening) blog during my year abroad in Kyoto~! It can be found at gaijindiaries dot blogspot dot com.


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